Derek Sivers advocates a skepticism he calls radical doubt, a way to go through the world where you realize almost everything is mental interpretation or projection, nearly impossible to verify. His argument follows that the enlightened mind understands the amazing implication of this- almost nothing has to be the way it is- or put another way- we have more agency than we typically dare to believe. Our personal interpretations of anything we experience, or even the emotions that well up within us, are all to be held in suspect. We are able to step back from them and decide if these are the interpretations and emotions we want or not. We find what we look for. So the way to hack yourself is to look for what you want. Believe what you want. Not only can society's rules and norms be set aside (unless there are actual legal penalties involved) but the ideas and rules we've established for ourselves are arbitrary and replaceable. You get to be the author of meaning.

Siver's formula:

1. Almost nothing is objectively true.

2.  Beliefs are placebos.

3.  Rules and norms are arbitrary games that can be changed.

4. Refuse ideology. Accept ideas individually.

On many levels I not only agree with Sivers intellectually, but my very personality is bent in this rogue direction, as I have been one to eschew cultural norms and expectations for as long as I can remember. But I keep encountering a fundamental and fatal flaw when this is taken all the way to its logical conclusion- “you get to be the ultimate author of meaning”- what I can't get past is this- deep down I just know I am not the final author of my life's meaning. Like Sivers, I sure as heck don't trust other humans and society to decide and determine how my life should be lived. But it is that same clarity of mind that is quick to dismiss the authority of others over my life that turns around to dismiss the hubris that I somehow transcend the pack and am uniquely positioned to give meaning to my life.  I may get to write a whole lot of the narrative, but I've been plopped down in a particular geography and there are parts of the plot that are unequivocally predetermined. Even to imagine myself as truly and totally autonomous is not liberating but terrifying. Hopeless. I can't fool myself. If there is no meaning beyond the meaning I construct then the only thing I'm convinced of is that everything is indeed meaningless. I know it is increasingly popular to argue that this is a beautiful and liberating space to inhabit, but try as I might, I only experience such a space as a torture chamber, the place where only despair exists for me.

I sense that what Sivers says has to be modified in the light of something David Zahl and his Mockingcast crew talked about. Zahl referenced a book called Determined: A science of life without free will, by Robert Sapolsky. Sapolsky, a secular neuroscientist, said that after 40 years of research he felt compelled to write this book despite how controversial it would be. He takes the opposite approach to Sivers and argues the evidence is incontrovertible, all of our actions are the product of predetermined factors, from genetics to our sociological environment. A significant ramification of this that is debated is how do we treat or punish people for their actions if their "agency" is really mythical? Zahl chimed in saying that not only does this further the case for giving each other more grace, but this should especially humble those who like to attribute their success to their own efforts. Whether or not we have agency in most day to day matters, Zahl and company pointed out that on the theological plane between us and God, our wills are not free to obey God, but are bound under the power of sin, placed there through our original ancestor via the fall. In countless places the scriptures assert that only if God does a prior work within us will we ever want to pursue God in faith. This is heavy theology and it ultimately leads us into this mystery, God calls who God calls, God awakens who God desires to awaken, and we don't know why. The Creator gives life and takes it away. In this weighty sense, we are definitely not free. We are creatures, that is, contingent beings, forged in dependence.

But let me move on to question what it means to be a recipient of God's gift of faith. What is the gift of faith? The Bible says it is a seed wherein the power to trust God lies. To trust God's plan of salvation, God's wisdom, God's righteousness-all of which comes to us in the God-human named Jesus. This seed comes by way of the Holy Spirit being planted inside those God has chosen. The gift then is more than faith, it is the presence of God, it is a relationship with God. But it is more than a relationship, it is communion, it is being joined to the Spirit who is Life. From this new union with God comes a wellspring of possibility, for from this union we have access to the Spirit of God's power and nature such that it can permeate our lives. This is why the apostle Paul can drop this bomb on the religious mind by saying we no longer live under the guidance of any law, for the Spirit needs no law, God is subject to no one but God. If you are united to God and live out of that union, you have total freedom. In Galatians 5 Paul explains how this notion of "freedom" is God's notion of freedom, so it may not be what you or I think of when we hear the word. For God, freedom isn't completely unbounded, it has a single attribute shot through it all the time. We are free to love. Love, that spontaneous and creative ability to cherish the beings and creation surrounding you (whether they appear to deserve it or not), is the final word. Love is the purpose of our existence. The meaning behind life.

I'm old enough now that I can say I've been wrestling with the meaning of life and wondering what I should do with the days given me for decades and there is only one explanation that I can't escape- that it all boils down to "faith working through love" (Galatians 5:6). This is the only one that without fail has purchase and stirs my soul. All of life is about receiving God's grace in faith and sharing that love and grace to whoever we encounter as we sojourn through life's hills and valleys.

But sometimes I feel that those words are too esoteric. I find them difficult because they seem so specific and yet at other times so broad. We receive God's grace very specifically by receiving the work of Jesus on the cross and in his resurrection on our behalf, with our hearts believing this and with our mouths confessing it. But on another level everything about the created order is a manifestation of God's original grace, making all of creation a sacrament, a space for encountering the gifts and presence of God. The result then being our permanent posture should be one of gratitude at every turn.  Likewise, when I hear what the Scriptures define as love, showing up to serve and not to be served, doing whatever you can to bless your neighbor, and even giving up your life for the benefit of your enemy, this feels absolutely right but also so broad, and if I'm honest, a bit overwhelming and unachievable. Sometimes I think this can be presented and internalized as a kind of zero sum game, wherein if you are truly loving you lose but those around you win because of your generosity. But maybe the one engaged in active love is adding worth, dignity, and meaning to that which is being loved, but this value isn't transferred in such way that it is deducted from the person doing the loving. This is not a withdrawal. This is not a zero sum game. This is a positive sum game. Both parties win. The giver, in the very act of loving, is enriching their own life simultaneously. Love not only builds up those around us, it satisfies our deepest longing. For our hearts don't just restlessly long to be loved (which is certainly the case), but they also are restless to do what they were made to do because they were made in the image of a loving God. Our hearts are restless to love.

Now what does that look like in the specifics of day to day life? What systems can I put in place? What practices will exercise and so strengthen this love muscle?

 I've been praying about that for a long time! And my prayers have reached a fever pitch as of late. It's like I'm desperate to nail down a concrete answer. However, I'm discerning that the intensity of my searching is a sign of an underlying spiritual problem of mine. I think knotted up with an authentic, God-given, Spirit-originated desire to love others, is my flesh's desire to prove my significance (to myself, to the world, perhaps to God? but mostly to myself). I sense a major part of me that wants to quantify the good my love is doing in the world. I want the love I give to make a difference. It really is a kind of messiah complex. Deep down I want the power to transform lives. I want to comfort myself by knowing that I have made a difference. I want to justify my existence with the good I have brought into the world. I have discerned this problem for years. I believe part of my retreat into Black Sheep Shelter has been an attempt to address this, to do something that would suffocate my messiah complex. I take little pride in Black Sheep Shelter because it is a typical transactional business. It does nothing to feed that sense in me that I'm contributing. In the wake of this I have struggled with a kind of depression these last few years, an aimlessness that has left me feeling empty. Many days I wake up unmotivated. Melissa and I had both named early on and through extensive prayer that we have been called in this season of life to prioritize our time and love in the direction of our three children. And in this way, the fact that Black Sheep Shelter doesn't consume our hearts should be a good thing, allowing our energy to be more fully invested in the task of loving our children well. But this has raised an interesting question: why haven't we felt as fulfilled loving our children as we did loving our neighbors back on 18th Street and through the work at Eighth Day Farm? Certainly we do love our children even more than the community we had in Holland. So why the drop in our energy and drive? Of late I am thinking the reason is that we don't see drastic change or growth in our children, and deep down a big part of what energized us was this sense that we were making a difference. In other words, our pride was satiated. Our egos were receiving external validation that we were contributing to the world in some meaningful way. Now our days are spent in the monastery of our home. The stay at home parent is often a thankless role. Melissa and I find ourselves fantasizing about the next season of life, when the children move out of the house, and we discuss having housemates again and "getting involved" in greater justice movements. But in every one of those conversations we keep saying that we want to cherish this time with our children. We know it is priceless and we do love them and love this time together. It is weird how two conflicting feelings can inhabit the same heart. It is depressing to unveil our deep-seated insecurities and desperate and domineering desire for validation.

So how do I craft a "system of practices" that reflects this calling to prioritize my children and be at peace with the idea that this is enough? I wonder if it starts with some kind of recognition that my time is limited, my capacity finite, and that with my limited resources I need to accept that there is a whole lot that I cannot do because my time and energy are required at such high levels to do the parenting gig well. And by recognition I also mean lament. For there is no way to fool my heart, I grieve over my lack of capacity to walk along other people (outside my family) well. I grieve that our culture is such that we do life in isolated biological family units. I grieve that our lives are not naturally intertwined in labor and leisure, that we do not break bread together daily. I grieve that my children aren't being raised by a collective of parents, a tribe of elders, with peers older and younger on their right and on their left. I grieve that I am not there to support other parents and they are not present to support us. And yet this is the hand we are dealt. The struggle is real. Ultimately, I am grieving that I lack the power to change all this. I am grieving my human frailty and the failure of the church's imagination. But we do not grieve as the world grieves, that is, we do not grieve without hope. Where there could be cause for despair, our lamenting is balanced by a faith that God is at work even when we don't see it. I crave a system of practices anchored in faith, this ability to trust in God's work and promises contrary to what my eyes are seeing. How do I practice such a seemingly blind faith? How do I trust God's mysterious work and plan?

I've been struggling to capture this in words. Here is a working bullet point kind of list aimed at illuminating the contours of a system of practices to hopefully keep bringing me back to the road I want to travel:

1. Continue to prioritize loving my children and in a very conscious defiance of my instinct to measure success.

• Love them through the ministry of presence. Be there for them in such a way that they perceive me as being present to them; physically, emotionally, etc.  Do activities with them that they want to do.

• Love them through verbal affirmation.

•  Love them by being a witness to the work of God's grace in my life (that is, by not hiding my faults and foibles, but by being vulnerable and demonstrating what it looks like to rely on God's grace).

• Love them by supporting their unique gifting and calling (meaning, be on guard against pressuring them to conform to my personality, tastes, or dreams). In my personal copy I list specific ways to love my kids taking into consideration what they perceive to be love.

2. Continue to prioritize my marriage relationship with Melissa.

• I could have/should have listed this first...but because I like prioritizing my relationship with her (she is so easy to be around, a joy to spend time with) I listed the children first as way to remind myself that I need to be more deliberate with them. But I resolutely believe in ongoing investment in my marriage, as it is the most fundamental of all my relationships as we share a unique and lifelong union that serves as the hub for all other relationships.

• Some of the key ways we prioritize our marriage include: weekly date-nights, sharing the task of parenting & running Black Sheep Shelter, joint calling to serve at Maple Avenue, end of the night time together, encouraging her in the particularities of her calling and desires/interests, intentionally fostering erotic energy and sexual desire, yearly get away vacation (just the two of us), our adult fun club, our book club

3. Continue to contemplate the grace of God found in Jesus.

 Again, this one should have been listed as my first practice, for without a doubt it is the primal calling of my life and the power source for doing anything else. As I've already written, it is our union with God from which the power to love is derived. It is only the grace of God that gives us life and that gives life meaning.

            I'll take a stab at listing the places and practices that flood my heart with this grace:

• First, there are a few books that richly dive into the grace of God that work on my heart. Returning to these with some regularity has been helpful. Most Christian literature is counter-productive. Finding those rare books that are truly a proclamation of good news and not law is key. Here is a list books that I recently decided to make yearly reads. I love to read, but I’m coming to realize that some books profoundly speak to me and I want to develop a lifelong intimacy with these books. The following books made the cut. I wanted books that spanned various fields so you notice they are organized loosely in categories. Note that the first 5 are rare gems that articulate the beauty of a religion-free gospel.

Good news as revelation, not religion

Justification: A matter of death and life, by Gerhard Forde

The Prodigal God, by Tim Keller

The Subversion of Christianity, by Jacques Ellul

Law and Gospel, by Mockingbird Press

Seculosity, by David Zahl

Emotional and social intelligence

Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown

My Grandmother’s Hands, by Resmaa Menakem

Mating in Captivity, by Esther Perel

7 Principles for a making a marriage work, by John Gottman

Philosophical-ish

The Tao de Ching

The Path: What Chinese Philosophers can teach us about the good life, by Michael Puett and Christine Gross-Loh

Incerto Series by Nassim Taleb:

            Fooled by Randomness: the hidden role of chance in life and in the markets

            The Black Swan: The impact of the highly improbable

            The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms

            Antifragile: Things that gain from disorder

            Skin in the Game: Hidden asymmetries in daily life

Mere Christianity, by CS Lewis

Murky History, power politics, and that sticky word Justice

Common Sense, by Thomas Pain

The Constitution of Liberty, by Friedrich Hayek

A People’s History of the United States, by Howard Zinn

A Case for Conservatism, by John Kekes

How the World Works, by Noam Chomsky

Grace writ large & small, the science, art, and mystery of life

Alphabet of Grace, Frederick Buechner

Supper of the Lamb, by Robert Capon

The Universe in Verse, by Maria Popova

Six Easy Pieces: Essentials of Physics Explained by its most brilliant teacher, by Richard Feynman

Art and Faith, by Makoto Fujimura

My Bright Abyss: Meditation of a Modern Believer, by Christian Wiman

Intentional living

Excellent Advice for Living, by Kevin Kelly

Paradox of Choice, by Barry Schwartz

Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius

Useful, not true, and How to Live, by Derek Sivers

Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity, by Peter Attia

Atomic Habits, by James Clear

• Second, sometimes sermons that open up the beauty of the cross function as doorways into this grace. For years Tim Keller sermons did this for me.

• Third, prayer can orient my heart towards this grace. The 7 directional prayer practice often helps in this contemplation.

• Fourth, finding and reading the gospel in Scripture. Right now I’m working on memorizing the book of Romans- the best book in the Bible, hands down.

• Fifth,  seeing echoes of the gospel story in the plotlines of the quotidian stories of our lives. This is harder to nail down as a discipline because I can't predict when it will happen, but it is more likely to occur if I am spending more time in community with other believers.

• Last, I see a more diluted form of God's grace throughout creation, the remnants of beauty all around me, and these can certainly call forth gratitude within me and help me sense my union with God, but I've found it is naive to mistake this original, creational grace, as synonymous with the particular grace found in the person of Jesus. Yes, I have had my share of out-of-body experiences when surrounded by the grandeur of nature such that I turn to my Maker in astonishment at the fact that this just exists, the fact that I simply am, and these experiences are undoubtably strokes of grace, but it is not only my belief but also my experience that the grace associated specifically with the person of Jesus is of a different order and ushers in a spiritual force and hope that transcends the natural graces inherent in creation. So what I'm trying to say (to myself) is that I find prioritizing a practice of contemplation of the particularity of Jesus is more important for me. It constitutes the bedrock for my spiritual life. Hence, point (b.) comes before this point (c.) Yet this is not an either/or, but a both/and. Both are avenues of awakening my heart to God, and yet one is even more vital. 

4. In any remaining time my next most important calling is to love others. That is, after prioritizing Melissa, Tsepo, Naomi, and McKenna, I want to take the time to judge my energy for engaging others, being gracious and honest about my limitations, and in prayer discern the level of involvement God is calling me to engage others with.

            a. Key = be okay with saying "no" or with saying "perhaps in the future."

b. Trust that God doesn't need me... that is, I'm not saving people, therefore God can do his work in the lives of people without my help or participation. Trust in a big God. I realize this might sound like horrible counsel, like a promotion of indifference or apathy, but due to the particularities of my personality and sin, this is actually designed to steer me away from an unhealthy savior complex and into proper humility before God.

c. When I do engage with others (or in my thoughts surrounding engagement of others) be on guard against the rise of expectations.

d. Instead, try to appreciate the moment and the interaction for what it is in the present tense; detach it from larger agendas by consigning it to God's mysterious plan and letting God do with it as he wills.

e. Letters a-d are strategies and practices that will hopefully help me love others better- that is, to love them with less of my ego involved, and to discern how to love them knowing that my time is limited and that at present my children are my priority.

The goal is still to love with God's love. To love because that is what we are made for. Love is what others need, it is what I need. Both to receive and to give.

f. Presently, here are some places/spaces I feel called to love: (yes, I’m so detailed that I actually have a list of people that I want to actively reach out towards and love better).

5. Love creation.  

I've thus far described love as the underlying purpose of human existence. Now I want to explain that I see love functioning on three distinct planes. The first between God and humanity. The second between humans. And the third between humans and the rest of the created or material world. So far I've discussed the first two planes, but now I wish to turn to the third.

God made us each with unique gifts and desires, such that our lives refract God's love in innumerable ways or expressions. Our days and nights are a collection of once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, each moment and activity the confluence of all prior history and the mystery of the individual human spirit. Part of this great love-existence is the mere enjoyment of the creation that God has set our stories within. Love is creative and it is God's love that spoke the universe into being. “Creation has always been more gratuitous than it has been useful.” This is absurdly humbling and at the same time liberating. If our existence hinged on our usefulness to God we would live under an unbearable weight. Likewise, when we imagine our lives to be worthwhile because of what we do or achieve we have fundamentally detached ourselves from reality. This is why I believe grace to be the most undervalued word in our world. The tragic result of the fall, of human separation from God, is that now we are left scrambling through this life under the delusion that either our lives are meaningless or that we have to construct the meaning. Whereas when we embrace creation (and the new creation) as the gratuitous act of God, we can see that enough has been given and nothing is demanded. All that remains is invitation. Invitation to relax and receive. Invitation to rest in, to recognize and praise the beauty of all that is. And then invitation to sub-create. Which I take to mean that we, already joined to our Maker, already experiencing God's complete abundance, in lack of nothing and with nothing to prove, nonetheless for the sheer joy of making, have the privilege of participating in divine extropy. Somehow, mysteriously, we are invited to join in the creation of an ever new beauty. Extropy is by definition an increase in order, a sort of marriage of increasing information, inputs, and complexity but instead of spiraling into chaos or confusion, merges and mixes to an ever more delightful, surprising, enlightening, and articulate form. I would use the word art if we could shed the diminutive boundaries our minds conjure up. All is and forever more will be gracious art. The creation is God's art and what greater purpose is there to art than to admire and be moved by its beauty.

In light of this, I believe my other calling is to love creation by way of creating and playing. Or, put another way, to honor the way God made me, as a creature designed not only to love others, but also to love creation by way of co-creating and playing. To work with the gifts and materials of God's creation and to enjoy the beauty of art, design, learning, experience, and order that our imaginations can call forth. While the power of sin rears its ugly head by deceiving us to love creation in the place of the Creator, salvation is when we live joined to God's Spirit, and our new hearts delight in creation for God's sake, in full gratitude and awareness that all this abundance is the masterpiece of God. We become liberated to re-engage the world not as its slave nor as its redeemer, but as mere gift from God to be enjoyed.

•  I want to be free to pursue creative endeavors as the Spirit leads. Free to run with ideas, and free to let them die. Free from finding my identity in them, but just as free to really, truly enjoy them. One way I want to do this is through the creation and curating of a personal website to house my ideas.

• I plan to set aside time every week to nurture this desire to design. A time to daydream, research, brainstorm, plan, and create.

• I want to shed much of my seriousness by re-learning how to play. How to "waste" time by realizing productivity is not the ultimate measuring stick. God wants me to create less for the sake of productivity and success, and more as a way to love my neighbor and/or for the joy of creating and the joy of beauty. Likewise God takes pleasure in my pleasure, so learning to play for no other reason than to have fun may seem juvenile, but maybe that is why God said we need to become like children. I want my view of God's generosity to be enlarged to encompass all of my imagination. I don't want to idolize my play or pleasure such that God is lost in the pursuit or such that I neglect others, but I believe play is a necessary vehicle to learning to crucify my messiah complex. Play is a way to orient myself to receive from God. To relax in God. And finally, I'm hoping, to enjoy God. I'm still trying to figure this one out. Still trying to figure out how to practice play. The "fun club" is the only new, defined practice I have in place as of now. I do love exercise and bodily movement. So increasing physical games is a goal of mine. Playing Oddball regularly is fun. Other forms of play that I enjoy include: travel/seeing new places, more and better sex with Melissa is certainly enjoying Gods creation, as well as continuing to get lost in good books, movies and music.

One last note. I want to read this system of practices weekly. Hopefully this will serve to keep my attention on what matters and enable me to better filter out the distractions. I want to bless my attention and honor the gift of time.